So, I guess I’m blogging about ‘my MS’. My prep work for the specialist appointment was pretty much outlined in the previous post. I didn’t allow myself much sleep before because I wanted to be a little dull. I had begun a journal of my symptoms and my freak outs. I stopped googling MS but did join online support forums. I decided to go by myself instead of taking my two very supportive parents because I didn’t want to cry in front of them again so soon. I also wanted to just be myself with whatever happened during this appointment for that whole day.
The specialist was nice and professional. I was told he was going to be nice but I never let go of my doubts. He encouraged me to give him a detailed history. I told him things in a calm voice that sent me into crying fit two weeks earlier. He showed me my MRI and discussed the results with me in a calm voice. I barely heard his talk of lesions and didn’t have it in me to tell him that someone already broke this news to me. He was patient and repeated himself until he was sure I understood what was happening.
After what I’m assuming is the appropriate amount of time, he handed me off to a coordinator who was very cheerful about going over medication. She sat very close to me and we gabbed like girlfriends about not taking the one that could put me at risk for an incurable brain disease. She gave me an introduction packet, encouraged me to petition my insurance company for better coverage. She also assured me that I could not get out of jury duty due to MS. We talked about not telling people about my condition and stigma. She was detailed, sunny, and efficient.
The prognosis was fairly good. The word “early” was used which was a relief to me. Nevertheless, my routine changes now. I’ll have to take a pill in the morning for my thyroid and inject myself with medication at some other point during the day. The injections will help to slow the disease. I will have to do this for the foreseeable future. I’ll have to carry my needles in a cooler when I go on trips. Plus side, I am now going through the fast line at the airport. Apparently, I’m going to travel more than before this diagnosis. That’s not even sarcasm, I need to get out more.
I am doing a balancing act it in my head. I try to counter my more depressive and irrational thoughts when they happen. This is not something that is happening to someone else. This is not something God did to me because I complained about being bored. I am not going to die alone because of MS. This is not an excuse to say ‘fuck it’ and self destruct. Rational thinking and exercise will be my best tools when it comes to MS. Ultimately, I’m going to adjust to this new normal, as my mother calls it, and be better than okay.